Death of a Hag

Haha j/k lol rofl idk

As Samm meandered towards a saw mill, she saw a sign exclaiming "CLICHE DEATH IMMINENT, AVOID!" Unfortunately, as a lesbian hag, she is illerate and couldn't read it. However, she saw a handsome dyke stroll by who caught her gander.

The homosexual female introduced herself as Beatrice the Butch. Samm's curiousity was piqued by Beatrice's lumberjack shirt.

Suddenly, a meteor appeared in the sky, or so they thought. Actually it was a golf ball. After their close brush with death, they decided to have a civil ceremony and tie the (well whatever lesbians tie).

That night, Beatrice told the Hag to go get some smokes and throw paint on some rich woman's fur coat (all lesbians are card-carrying members of PETA, duh).

When Samm returned, Beatrice announced that their 4 hour relationship was built on lies and stormed out.

Samm was perplexed.

Samm was confused.

Samm was hungry.

After Samm saw a man holding Beatrice's dress and walking down the street, she realized that she had just married a tranny.

This realisation led Samm to drink.

I don't mean Barbara Walters drinking, I'm talking Whitney with too much coke and a closet full of tequila drinking.

After Samm had OD'd, Bobby Brown came to her in a dream and told her to XXXXXXXXXX (I can't repeat it, it's too vile). This disgusting statement brought Samm back from the brink of death.

As she gazed around the room, she noticed that all of her furniture was gone.
The hippies had visited.
Damn hippies.

So, Samm did what every lesbian does when confronted with hippies, she sent an angry letter to the hippie times.

Unfortunately for Samm, the hippie times was now led by Al Gore.
No one sends angry letters to Al Gore.

So, Al Gore did what every has-been turned environmentalist EIC would do, he sent her a tree with a leprechaun assassin hidden inside.

After the tree had been delivered, Samm rejoiced because now she could practice her topiary skills. As she began trimming, the leprechaun struck her pot of gold with a taser.

Then, he stuffed her mouth with the last remaining famine-era potato.

She struggled, but he was a wry leprechaun. He finished her off by putting the weave of death over her dyke spike.

And that is how the Hag died.
Sorry Hag

Adrift in a Sea of Confusion

Samm and Joel certainly aren't going to be English Majors (sarcasm? yes)

I'll save my origin tale (kind of like of Oregon Trail, but slightly, only slightly, different) for later.

At the moment, I'd like to ramble.

Commercials irritate me, no matter how well they are written.
I think it's funny that they only translate obvious things into Spanish (Cuidado!).
I find it weird to contemplate death, especially in life threatening situations (like when striding across a recently mopped floor).
If there are safe houses, does that imply that we are living in danger homes?
Dan:
Finds it creepy that you are always within 6 feet of a spider.
Hopes you find that as alarming as I do (Arachnophobes unite!)
Needs to think less and do more (no matter what people tell me).
loves iPhones.
is searching for a flash of inspiration, until then I will continue rambling.
EUREKA!
I've got nothing.
Except...
Nope, still nothing.
Hmmmm...

I miss the 90s...

Anyway, I miss the lesbian. I've only seen her once this summer. I've seen the gays plenty, especially next week for JCamp. I can't wait for the No Doubt/Paramore Concert.

Hmmm... Maybe I should have written creatively. Oh well, next time :)

Hopefully you've been reading my blog ;)

SHAMELESS PLUG OF THE WEEK: read above sentence, again.


Funny things from France:
God is a brand of sextoys
Condom Machines are located at every bus stop
A kid walked up with a backpack and unpacked a 5ft bong; he proceeded to use it
They take suck it to the next level, they constantly make fist-fucking references
Large penises are a frequent subject of conversation


Well, hopefully that titillated your...

Until Next Time,
Kissinger's Lovechild

Welcome Deer Readers (oh and you non-deer folk)

Hello, my name is Kissinger's Lovechild, and I would formally like to welcome you to our collective blog.
We appreciate your profound interest in the blog.
We promise a keg of hilarity and a pitcher of wisdom with every visit!
So, bask in the glow of the three muskequeers and the lesbian hag.

Enjoy,
KL